A Joy Forever

A Joy Forever

The results of being vain are vicious:

deluded that one is a delicious

Youth now and for a green eternity ...

it's hard work to maintain that certainty.

When the question, "Quel age?"

always sounds out of tune,

and the made-up visage

is a pained, painted prune,

and your bum's a homage

to a curd-filled balloon,

just siphon the fat out

of those unhappy hips,

make that thin, mean mouth pout ...

the lard fits in your lips.

When Time's traumas wail for measures drastic --

it's too late to detox,

or poison with botox --

pay the cosmetic surgeon ... use plastic.

Or, be bold and unspoiled the beau or belle,

And wear one's hard-won wisdom well.

                                                    (c)Frank Rooney

Scots Wha Hate

Scots Wha Hate

(apologies to Robert Burns)

Scots what hae wi' chips been fed,

Scotch pies, Irn Bru an' pan bread,

Wobble tae an earthy bed,

Or tae surgery.

Smokin' lik a chimney tow'r

Yer tar-bunged lungs lack the pow'r

Tae defluff a dandy-flow'r ...

Cometh the Big C.

Wha'll resist the Buckie crave,

Tae junkie jabs be no slave

An' avoid the glutton's grave?

Let us do or dee.

Wha long for deid kings an' law,

Wha, foolish, ficht o'er fitba',

Poor man wha'd for rich man fa',

Get awa' frae me!

Bigot blood flow through yer veins;

Habits, heirlooms passed tae weans.

Don't let auld blood clog yer brains ...

Then, ye can be free.

Chips on shoulders, there ye go!

Blamin' ev'ryone ye know;

Ye stage such a shameless show.

Where's yer dignity.

                                                              (c)Frank Rooney

Stan Drew's Day

Celebrating Stan Drew

The 30th of November is Stan Drew's Day.  Born hundreds of years ago to Andy Stewart and Fran and Anna, Stan Drew is the man who invented Scotland, the Scotch pie, golf and the Forth rail bridge.  He also invented the Scottish flag when he knocked over a salt cellar while mucking about at the dinner table with young William Wallace, and the salt spilled out in the form of a cross over his mothers' blue table cloth.  His mothers were so angry at the waste of such a precious condiment, they each gave Stan Drew a mighty clip round the earholes.  The is the reason why we call Scotland's national flag the Salt-ire.

Stan Drew invented golf, which is the most famous game in the world.  It started when a game of snooker with Robert the Bruce got out of hand.  The Bruce ate all the coloured balls believing them to be gobstoppers, so Stan chased him into a cave full of spiders and spent the rest of the day whacking the cue ball around in a field.  Stan Drew's Golf Course is known as the home of golf, but that is just the field in which he knocked the ball around.  The actual home of golf is a flat a couple of miles down the road from the holey landscape, a fact I believe the Scottish Tourist Board ought to acknowledge after my incessant petitioning of them to do so.

The Scotch pie he invented as an edible hat to be worn/eaten by golfers during long, torturous games of golf in drizzling rain.  The bridie he invented for the same purpose, but for lady golfers.

So, to good auld Stan Drew we raise our glass of whisky ... which he also invented .... whisky ... and glass, too.

                                                                                                                      (c)Frank Rooney

Flim-Flam - On Meeting Oscar Wilde

Flim-Flam

Imbibing some beers at the bar down my local

the fop Oscar Wilde was dandiacally vocal:

"Drop a flan,

my good man,

in bathtub of water;

it won't plunge

like a sponge --

now jot this in your jotter --

it will sit on the surface

like a leaf on a pond.

It's science, not magic!

Just logic --

no wand!"

I headed home via the shop

to buy a flan, which I did drop

into a bath which I had filled

with water, and was I so thrilled

to see it float like Oscar said?

I was sad and shocked and dismayed ...

Well, the flan did not float

like a little baked boat,

but sunk,sodden, soft mush

to the base of the tub,

brown and sugary slush.

What a waste of good grub!

Never again shall I trust Oscar Wilde!

The ultimate dandy has got me riled;

for I discovered to my annoyance,

that Oscar knows fluff-all of flan-buoyance.

                                                                      (c) Frank Rooney

An Old Fashioned, Naughty Limerick

An impossibly profane parrot

Squawked advice re inserting a carrot.

You'd be shocked to know where,

But the bird didn't care,

And the vicar's face turned deepest claret.

                                                                (c)Frank Rooney

Robin Hood:

A Brief History

Boldly bearing his bow,

Arrows in his quiver,

Robin turned the taker

Into a glum giver.

Robin Hood, as we all know, lost his horse in Shergar Forest after going on a mead bender.  Desperate for a wee, he stumbled between miles of trees, and sometimes against them, before finally coming across a tiny Portaloo.  A big, burly fellow was just coming out, adjusting his hose.

"I name thee Little John", slurred Robin, shouldering a path to the pungent bowl, and the soothing sound of a waterfall soon filled the forest.  After wiping his hands on his tunic, Robin met Little John's friends: Will Scarlet (who was on the run after killing Dr Black with a candlestick in the billiard room) and Friar Tuck, a rotund, jolly monk who would give anything a go and who had a penchant for Spoonerisms.  They had lots of adventures while looking for Robin's horse, accusing Bad King John of money laundering when the crown jewels were lost in the Wash, and Robin was in like Flynn with Barmaid Marion after playing a blinding game of darts down the Red Lion.

Serge Gainsbourg ... cartoon

Serge Gainsbourg loathed London's river.  He wrote his most
famous and controversial song, "Shit Thames", about it.

                                                                                             (c)Frank Rooney