An Old Fashioned, Naughty Limerick

An impossibly profane parrot

Squawked advice re inserting a carrot.

You'd be shocked to know where,

But the bird didn't care,

And the vicar's face turned deepest claret.

                                                                (c)Frank Rooney

Robin Hood:

A Brief History

Boldly bearing his bow,

Arrows in his quiver,

Robin turned the taker

Into a glum giver.

Robin Hood, as we all know, lost his horse in Shergar Forest after going on a mead bender.  Desperate for a wee, he stumbled between miles of trees, and sometimes against them, before finally coming across a tiny Portaloo.  A big, burly fellow was just coming out, adjusting his hose.

"I name thee Little John", slurred Robin, shouldering a path to the pungent bowl, and the soothing sound of a waterfall soon filled the forest.  After wiping his hands on his tunic, Robin met Little John's friends: Will Scarlet (who was on the run after killing Dr Black with a candlestick in the billiard room) and Friar Tuck, a rotund, jolly monk who would give anything a go and who had a penchant for Spoonerisms.  They had lots of adventures while looking for Robin's horse, accusing Bad King John of money laundering when the crown jewels were lost in the Wash, and Robin was in like Flynn with Barmaid Marion after playing a blinding game of darts down the Red Lion.

Serge Gainsbourg ... cartoon

Serge Gainsbourg loathed London's river.  He wrote his most
famous and controversial song, "Shit Thames", about it.

                                                                                             (c)Frank Rooney

The Televsion

"In the War on Poverty, Dad ...

tell me, what did you do?"

A young son asked his grey father,

who stared down at his shoe.

"Son, I was paid by the Rich Man;

his commands I fulfilled,

and there was this War on Terror

in which Poor Folk were killed.

"I worked in retail

(that was my detail)

and products were sold.

This was the New War!

Money bought New Law;

the Cold War was old ...

"I did it for you, son, for you and me;

for God, country and the economy."

"Dad! You ought to feel shame

that you were complicit!"

"Yes ... but it bought us this telly

in front of which you and I sit."

                                                    (c)Frank Rooney 

This unhappy haiku expresses the impossible, giddy love of a woman, a violinist in a chamber orchestra, for an unavailable man in the horn section ...

Musical Haiku (with footnote)

Desperate Desire!

Oh, to make violin love!

But, you're not my beau.*

*So, I'll just have to play pizzicato.

                                                                        (c)Frank Rooney

Pacino Cartoon ...

Al Pacino
Scarf Ace

                                                                                                (c)Frank Rooney

Disco Darwin

It was while perusing the wares of a second-hand record
emporium that Charles Darwin, believing he had found the
missing link, was inspired to write The Origin of the Bee Gees.

Dylan Thomas' most famous poem, his villanelle "Do not go gentle", is often read out at funerals and memorial services; the final delusional punctuation mark to the uncompromising life everyone would like to think they lead.  Sadly, its potency has become diminished by its success and familiarity, so I wrote this poor effort as a pastiche (which I think might be a kind of nut ... or maybe the sort of Cornish pie Sean Connery would ask for) ...

Do Not Regale Me

Do not regale me with platitudes trite

when the boatman of Styx is in my pay,

when a wink from me would give you a fright.

Though sentiment may shine a rosy light

on the role I once played in nature's play,

do not regale me with platitudes trite.

Good God! Please don't -- though I believe you might --

o'er my open box play the song "My Way,"

when a wink from me would give you a fright.

Wild, drunk and angry, recall me in spite,

and if you kneel, it's for yourself you pray.

Do not regale me with platitudes trite.

Deaf men near graves will just ignore your plight,

gazing blindly down on stern stones of grey,

when a wink from me would give you a fright.

A eulogy is falsehood, mostly shite:

lazy lies, whitewash and clumsy cliche.

Do not regale me with platitudes trite,

when a wink from me would give you a fright.

                                                                                 (c)Frank Rooney

Cartoon ...

Woolf in cheap clothing

                                                                                               (c)Frank Rooney

Classic British Comedy

Tommy Cooper

Kenneth Williams & Hattie Jacques

George Formby

                                                                                                     (c)Frank Rooney

A Song Of Paranoia

How do I escape this dark, edgy dread
of eyes you have at the back of your head?
And, I know for sure that the walls have ears ...
How can I fly from these terrible fears?

I don't want to be by corners confined,
by listening brickwork, I need to find
my way out of this mind-mastering maze
and flee from under your judgemental gaze.

When I make my escape, you will give chase.
With your eyes positioned behind your face,
because it's the only way you can see,
you'll have to run backwards pursuing me.

You will give chase, but walls cannot move,
and your clumsy pursuit will only prove,
that running rear-forwards is such a farce
when you stumble, trip and land on your arse.

                                                                  (c)Frank Rooney

cartoon Kafka Sings the Blues

                         Kafka Sings the Blues

I woke up this mornin',
I''d turned into a bug.
Well, I woke up this mornin',
I'd turned into a bug.
Now my family despise me
I'll hide under a rug.

  (c)Frank P. Rooney