Celebrating Stan Drew
The 30th of November is Stan Drew's Day. Born hundreds of years ago to Andy Stewart and Fran and Anna, Stan Drew is the man who invented Scotland, the Scotch pie, golf and the Forth rail bridge. He also invented the Scottish flag when he knocked over a salt cellar while mucking about at the dinner table with young William Wallace, and the salt spilled out in the form of a cross over his mothers' blue table cloth. His mothers were so angry at the waste of such a precious condiment, they each gave Stan Drew a mighty clip round the earholes. The is the reason why we call Scotland's national flag the Salt-ire.
Stan Drew invented golf, which is the most famous game in the world. It started when a game of snooker with Robert the Bruce got out of hand. The Bruce ate all the coloured balls believing them to be gobstoppers, so Stan chased him into a cave full of spiders and spent the rest of the day whacking the cue ball around in a field. Stan Drew's Golf Course is known as the home of golf, but that is just the field in which he knocked the ball around. The actual home of golf is a flat a couple of miles down the road from the holey landscape, a fact I believe the Scottish Tourist Board ought to acknowledge after my incessant petitioning of them to do so.
The Scotch pie he invented as an edible hat to be worn/eaten by golfers during long, torturous games of golf in drizzling rain. The bridie he invented for the same purpose, but for lady golfers.
So, to good auld Stan Drew we raise our glass of whisky ... which he also invented .... whisky ... and glass, too.
(c)Frank Rooney
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